


Whatever Happened to the Caped Cretin?

by all_possible_worlds



Category: Star vs. The Forces Of Evil
Genre: Marco is being a douche, No Jarco, No Starco, Other, Parody, Season 3, and he thinks he is Batman, assuming you trust Janna
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-10
Updated: 2017-11-10
Packaged: 2019-01-31 10:16:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12679836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/all_possible_worlds/pseuds/all_possible_worlds
Summary: Aka. The Dork-Knight Rises.*Season 3 Episode 7b and earlier spoilers*Soon after the events of "Sophomore Slump" (S03xE7b), back in Echo Creek, four teenagers discuss the sudden absence of their friend, in less flattering terms that he would perhaps have hoped.Either Marco is, like, the worst. Or else Janna is an unreliable narrator.This is a crack fic designed for me to deal with my own personal frustration as to the character and behavior of a certain Marco Ubaldo Diaz in recent Season 3 episodes. It was written and edited in a single sitting, don't expect anything too good. My other fic,"I Summon the All Seeing Eye"will update either tomorrow or else right before Monday.





	Whatever Happened to the Caped Cretin?

It was the middle of lunch break, when all three of them came to see me, looking for answers. Sooner or later, everyone did. I knew they wanted the truth, but could they handle it? I didn't think so. "So, I guess you are all wondering whatever happened to Marco Diaz, right?"

"Not particularly, Janna," said the blonde with a shrug, feigning disinterest, or perhaps feigning innocence. Of the three of them, she was the one whose involvement with the subject of our little mistery ran the deepest. I might need to keep an eye on her, of course, least she try something drastic in her grief. "We broke off and he went away for an exchange semester in Mewni. Honestly, it is probably for the best, Marco was getting so frustrating to deal with!"

"So, does that mean you are single now, Jackie?" spoke the fat man, with poorly disguised excitement. Well, I couldn't fault a guy for trying. 

I could, however, still fault him for thinking he had a chance.

"No way dude," the blonde replied. "Remember the skate camp guy? Apparently he is in Echo Creek a few months training younger kids for a competition. He has been calling me all break. We went for ice-cream last weekend, and I guess we are a thing now."

She shrugged. Ah, the faces of grief are truly as a varied as those of joy. We could all tell she wasn't handling it well. It was particularly clear in how she avoided our gaze, looking instead at the phone in her lap, smiling.

"Anyways," continued the one I had automatically begun thinking about in my head as the fat man. "Marco was really getting insufferable. And your stupid dungeons and dragons game did not help! It was so annoying: 'as a knight this' and 'as a knight that'..."

"Yeah, Ferguson is right!" agreed his lanky companion. "I mean, I am pixie royalty, and I don't keep lording the fact over people!"

"Yes you do, Alfonzo, constantly," his corpulent colleague reminded him. "You also try to use it to pick up girls, even though it never works."

"My point is," the thin one retorted in an offended tone, "that Marco was really getting on everybody's nerves. It is such a breather that he left for his oh-so-precious Mewni." 

He, of course, over-emphasized the pronunciation in altogether the wrong way.

"Sure, no argument there," I offered, conciliatory. "But do you guys know how his fateful absence came to pass?"

"Yes, Janna," the girl rolled her eyes. "I dumped him."

"Ah, but little do you all know, of what came before," I corrected her. "Of the pressures that would drive a man to such drastic decision, to such final measures, to such an untimely end!"

"He is in Mewni, Janna, not dead."

I ignored her ramblings. "Our story begins on a dark night, in which a darker shadow lurks above the roofs of Echo Creek High, his vigilant eyes trained on the festering corpse of a city below..."

\----

Marco Diaz surveyed the streets below him with cold determination. This was not a good city, it was a city rotten to its very core. It did not deserve heroes, but it required his protection, and he would do what he must, no matter the cost to himself. He breathed in the night, and it embraced him in return. The billowing wind flying his trusty cape all around him. His mantle. His shield. His symbol.

"Nobody cared who I was, before I put on the cape," he muttered, to no one in particular.

"Pretty sure nobody cared after, either," I pointed out, sitting on the roof besides him, eating my bag of chips. I was there for one reason and one reason only: because it amused me.

"Janna," he said. "You are indeed my wisest and most trustworthy friend. To you I can confess the troubles of my soul. This city needs me, but I am not sure I can stay, another place calls me, one in even more desperate need of my skills."

"The kitchen, you mean?" I dared to hope. "My chips are running out and I wouldn't mind some of those nachos."

"Here I lead a double life, Janna," he continued, ignoring my pleas. That's when I knew, to my despair, that I would get no nachos that night. "By day, I am Marco Diaz, $650-dollarionaire playboy and socialite. By night, I am the lonely defender, I am the terror in the heart of this town's underworld. I am... The Dork-Knight!"

"Sure you are, Bruno," I humored him with a sigh.

"But I fear that such charade weights heavy on my soul. My friends cannot understand my struggle, they don't have my mission, my power, my responsibility, my cape, they are..." he hesitated. "Janna, there is no easy way to say it, but they are no longer cool enough for me to hang out with them!"

\----

"Bullshit!" cried the fat man. "Marco might have been acting like a self-absorbed idiot, but he would never say that about us!"

"Besides, not cool enough?" the thin man added, furious. "Pretty sure emperor beats knight!"

They were both delusional, one more than the other. I ignored their interruption, and continued my tale.

\----

"That, I am afraid," our valiant hero continued, "is but the least of my troubles. I find myself pursued by two women, both of them lovely in their own ways, and both of them madly in love with me. No matter what I do, I must in the end break one of their hearts! Both of them in time, perhaps, for my cape is my one true love."

"Dude, is not really that hard to get over you," I spoke. Regrettably, it was from experience. "The cape helps."

"It always does," he agreed, solemnly, missing the point. "It is my most priced possession."

"So, you were saying," I tried to get him back on track, and away from another lecture about the deep symbolic meaning and ancient tradition behind that stupid blue tablecloth. "No matter what you do, an innocent girl will suffer..."

"Yes," he nodded. "If I go, then that means leaving Jackie, alone in the world, without anyone to hold her together, to inspire her! What will be of her without me?"

"Echo Creek's most popular girl, whatever will she do without her crazy cape obsessed boyfriend?" I quipped, scrapping the bottom of the bag for chips.

"Yes, to leave would be to condemn her to a life of loneliness, and sexual frustration!" he despaired loudly. "For without me, who could she trust to play princesses and knights in bed!"

\----

"Ok, Janna, I know you are pulling our collective legs," the blonde shook a finger a me, accusingly. "But how on Earth do you know anything about that?"

"Wait," the fat man almost choked on his chicken leg, "did you two really role-play that? Like, in a sexual way?"

"And that didn't make you think that maybe he was into Star?" the thin one reasoned, with all the tact of a man-armed crocodile. "If he dressed you as a princess..."

"Well, Alfonzo," the girl answered, flustered. "First of all, you are making some very big assumptions, about which of us was which..."

\----

"And if you stay, Marco, then what happens?" I inquired, finally, mostly because my chips had run out and I had nothing better to do with my mouth at that point.

"Then I am depriving my true princess of her most trusted and skilled knight," he exclaimed. "Without me by her side, she might fall into depression, and sadness. Perhaps even into madness such that she lets herself be twisted by evil. Corrupted, maybe, by some dark influence within her very own palace. I cannot allow Star to go mad with the despair my prolonged absence from her life would cause!"

"Yes, Marco, it is not like Star is a princess, beloved by all, back in Mewni," I confirmed his suspicions, gravely. "She, of course, needs your guidance in her own kingdom just the same as she did back in a foreign dimension. It's not as if you were simply the first guy she met here or anything like that." 

"Indeed that is true," he mussed. "Not in a million years would she once again find one such as myself. Should she despair, an entire kingdom will suffer. I suppose that makes my decision clear. For the greater good, then!"

"Yes, you must leave, Marco," I agreed with the man. "For the good of all of us."

\----

At that point in my recollection, the phone rang. Cautiously, I picked it up.

"Yes? Ah, yes. Sure, I know. Yeah, he did. Nah, she is here," the three strangers around the table looked at me expectantly. "No, sorry, it must have slipped my mind."

"Was that..." the blonde began to ask.

"Yup," I confirmed the obvious, "Star".

"Is Marco there?" the thin man inquired.

"Sure he is," I smiled. "The knight has arrived to his castle in one piece, cape and all."

"It didn't sound like Star was too happy about that." Say what you might about the fat man, he was the perceptive sort.

"Oh, well, no," I dismissed their puzzled looks with a motion of my hand, as I lifted my feet on top of the table with some theatrical sense. "Apparently she thought I had told Marco already."

"Told him what?" they all asked in unison. I paused for effect.

"That she got back with Tom two weeks ago."

Jackie was the first to double up with laugher.

**Author's Note:**

> 


End file.
